Last weekend, I was in DC for the National Science Bowl competition. I went back for the first time last year as a volunteer and relived a little bit of excitement and a little bit of bitterness that I experienced when I competed. I'll be the first to admit that I can hold a grudge forever and last year, the anger at the mishandling of science during my year of competing came back full force. Maybe it's because I recognized how much better things had gotten since 2008 and I still had the "what if" question in my mind. What if things had been different?
Actually, it probably wouldn't have changed my life too much, and it's not like I'm not pleased with the current trajectory of my life. But I still can't talk about that day without wanting to hit something.
However, this year, five years after I graduated from high school, all that drama in 2008 doesn't seem to matter so much. I think it's because I already gone back once before and met people who I consider more as friends than as competition. However much I loved competing, being on the other side of the competition, on a team of awesome alumni who don't take anything too seriously, is an amazingly inclusive feeling. In high school, I had never felt more included than when I was in Science Bowl, which I think was why I felt so much pressure to do well, to not let my team down. But the alumni at Nationals are so ready to accept newbies with open arms and it's so easy to bond with them that for me, the 4H Center no longer holds painful memories of losing the last 9 pm match, but of late-night sprawling on the floor of the lobby, of complaining about the terrible food while eating all the softserve possible, and of hugs and funny faces and obnoxious behavior during practice rounds.
Also, the knowledge that it's been five years since high school, which makes me too old to really have known anyone who is in high school now, gives me pause. It's hard for me to imagine being relevant to these high schoolers (and even more so, to the middle schoolers) and I know when I was in high school, I didn't really care about anyone else who was there. To them, I'm just another judge that they have to appease. I mean, do I really have so little going on with my life that I've gone back to judge a science competition?
I've tried, as most of my peers do, to separate myself from Science Bowl, to move on with my life. Yet somehow, despite the seed of bitterness and regret, I found myself back there. What does that mean? I'm not sure yet. But I think I'll keep going back. After all, it's nice to see the kids squirm.
Actually, it probably wouldn't have changed my life too much, and it's not like I'm not pleased with the current trajectory of my life. But I still can't talk about that day without wanting to hit something.
However, this year, five years after I graduated from high school, all that drama in 2008 doesn't seem to matter so much. I think it's because I already gone back once before and met people who I consider more as friends than as competition. However much I loved competing, being on the other side of the competition, on a team of awesome alumni who don't take anything too seriously, is an amazingly inclusive feeling. In high school, I had never felt more included than when I was in Science Bowl, which I think was why I felt so much pressure to do well, to not let my team down. But the alumni at Nationals are so ready to accept newbies with open arms and it's so easy to bond with them that for me, the 4H Center no longer holds painful memories of losing the last 9 pm match, but of late-night sprawling on the floor of the lobby, of complaining about the terrible food while eating all the softserve possible, and of hugs and funny faces and obnoxious behavior during practice rounds.
Also, the knowledge that it's been five years since high school, which makes me too old to really have known anyone who is in high school now, gives me pause. It's hard for me to imagine being relevant to these high schoolers (and even more so, to the middle schoolers) and I know when I was in high school, I didn't really care about anyone else who was there. To them, I'm just another judge that they have to appease. I mean, do I really have so little going on with my life that I've gone back to judge a science competition?
I've tried, as most of my peers do, to separate myself from Science Bowl, to move on with my life. Yet somehow, despite the seed of bitterness and regret, I found myself back there. What does that mean? I'm not sure yet. But I think I'll keep going back. After all, it's nice to see the kids squirm.
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