#passed

And I have stable employment for the next 2-4 years.

:D

Pendulums

T-2 days until my PQE, and I am feeling many things. Primarily, right now, sore because I brought my bike down yesterday and rode it places and my butt is definitely feeling it today.

But actually, in the last week since I turned in my proposal, my mood has fluctuated wildly between extreme apathy and extreme panic.

--
Example of extreme apathy:
I genuinely just want to get this over with. Let them ask me anything. I'm ready. I'm so ready that I'll spend a couple of hours watching LM and LJ play Smash Bro. so they can re-unlock all of the characters/lands before our party on Friday.

Example of moderate panic:
Because I did my practice talk three weeks ago, I've generally had a good idea of what I want to say, and have edited my paper and my talk accordingly, but have continuously found new pieces of information in my studying that bring up bubbles of panic. How do I incorporate this new piece of information? Does it make my project better or harm it? Should I even include it? Will my committee know to ask about it and should I make a contingency slide just in case? If I don't include it, is that lying by omission and can I even do that?

Example of extreme panic:
holy crap there is so much information to know how can i possibly know everything i am so overwhelmed and then there's this new thing how didn't i think of this before omg this changes everything i can't handle myself i can't possibly make slides for all of this are they even going to ask about it anyway who am i kidding they know freaking everything even if they don't know anything about my work and i didn't include it in my paper god i should have included it in my paper cryyyyyyyyyyyy
--

After I turned in my paper, I felt a sense of relief. All I need to do now is give a talk based on my proposal, right? Everything is now set in black and white, Arial size 12, margins 0.5 inches. It's in pdf form for goodness sake. No more changes. But when you're at the frontier of a scientific field and things are always changing, it's difficult to keep up with everything that's being published, especially things that are at the periphery of what you're studying (related, but just barely), and things slip between the cracks. And then you find them and your whole world shifts. Sometimes, it can be great. Like when you're stuck on your project and all of a sudden, a light. <<Of course! How did I not see that before!? This changes everything!>> But when it's three days before the exam that's going to define whether or not you continue being a graduate student, that excitement can devolve into panic. Major panic.

Luckily, the pendulum always swings back and eventually, everything reaches equilibrium, that happy medium where the manic force from the panic collides with the bonelessness of apathy to create a calm, motivating serenity. I'm not quite there yet, still vibrating rather strongly on the side of panic, but I think I'm getting there. We'll see in 2 days.

Let's talk about today

Let's talk about today and how I actually made it two morning talks at 8 and 9 and stayed awake during both of them and then my PCR AND my gel worked (don't talk to me it took me 103840198 years to get that gel to work right) and I have bands. BANDS! And how I became all nghghghghghghg abut my PI because he actually gives the most awesome talks and I realized that even though I had told people he gave awesome talks before I had only ever had one on one's with him in the past and he's super cordial and helpful in meetings but also laid back but when he's giving a timed talk it's like BAM ELOQUENT and OMG his PowerPoints are AWESOME.

And let's talk about how even though it might seem like I'm in a good mood because I've been drinking coffee, it's actually probably because I put my proposal writing on hiatus while it's making its rounds and I'm actively not thinking about it or reading it and heck no am I even looking at my presentation until after I get my edits back. (Actually, I lied. I totally did some restructuring cause of those FREAKING AWESOME FIGURES I SAW THIS MORNING. Yeah I totally fumbled around for a nonexistent pen and paper and had to take down the reference on my phone so it probably looked like I was all rude but I was taking notes I swear.)

Also, I could sit here and run another PCR and another gel and also do the extraction so I can submit for sequencing tomorrow morning buuuuuttttttttt I'm going to actually go home while it's still light outside and do something crazy like clean or play some music or something.

Oh btw, I was totally mentioned in my PI's presentation. And damn do I want that slide cause it was beautiful.

This has been a ramble courtesy of T-2 weeks until my PQE.

Resolutions 2014

It's a week into a the new year and I've been thinking about resolutions personal goals for the year. Looking back at last year's resolutions, I think I can say that I did pretty good on doing the things I set out for myself (particularly the baking toward the end of the year). I say yes more often then I say no when it comes to new experiences and social gatherings now. I ran a 5K in October of last year, which is impressive to me because I still sort of hate running. I even went on runs and hikes during my winter break home. I still need to work on drinking more water but that will probably be a lifelong thing.

For me, 2013 was the year of independence. It was the year that I kinda finally got a steady job (read: picked a lab), where I signed my first lease, where I got to furnish a room, got a bike, and committed to semesterly bus passes. I started buying food for myself on a regular basis and went to my first concert that I sought out and bought tickets for (I think. I saw both the Flobots and Macklemore. Also my first hip hop concert.) I learned what I liked and who I was outside of the "high school context" or the "college context." I stopped being afraid of stepping out of line and let loose a little more. Even though I am not fully involved in the 401K real world yet, where my community won't be so easily carved out for me, I feel like I've stepped foot in the door and have started to be able to make more definitive decisions about what I want with my life. And I realized that if I motivate myself, I can carve out a pretty good life for myself.

However, I have realized that in this search for myself, I have started to leave the most important people to me behind. Living across the country from those you love is hard, and I thought if I could show that I was doing well and keeping busy, I could prove that no one back home needed to worry about me. I also hoped, I think, that if I didn't think about anything important, nothing important would change. We all do this right? Try to paint our lives with vibrant colors and take snapshots of the happiest moments so that our stories seem brighter and more beautiful. The dark thoughts, the scary scenarios, have no power if you don't let them take hold, and the only way for me to really be able to sleep at night was to not think about the what-ifs, to focus on the now and to not think at all. But time ticks on whether you notice or not and my plan to keep myself from getting hurt has also led me to keep those that I care most for at arms length.

2014 will be the year that I reconnect, with family and with friends. Though I would like to eat better and be healthier this year, as in every year, if I were to set one personal goal it would be to stay in touch with everyone who is important to me. Amid the craziness that is to happen in my career (qualifying exam!), I want to appreciate and show appreciation for those who have gotten me to where I am now. Without you, I would be completely lost, and I don't think I can ever stop needing the love and support you give to me.

So thank you, anyone and everyone who has been there for me in my 23.5 years of life. And let it be known that this year, we are going to rock it out.

Blogmas Days 5+6: Performances

Yesterday, I had Winter Showcase for my dance group. I have decided that I am definitely no longer an undergrad. This is a couple of years late, but every time I am in a room with screaming, hyper teenagers, I get a little grumbly. It's probably because I don't really know any of them. Goodness knows I still scream like a little girl around my friends.

Today, K and I went to Top of the Hub, Boston's tallest dining experience, on the 52nd floor of the Prudential Towers. Dinner was seafood filled and totally filling. Then we saw the Boston Pops Holiday Concert. I miss orchestras and orchestral concerts. They played Hallelujah and I was immediately taken back to high school and the billion times we played it. There was also a singalong portion that I greatly enjoyed, and a narration and accompanying soundtrack to The Polar Express. 

It's now late and rainy. Signing off!

Blogmas Day 3+4: The Last Classes

I thought that I was done with "last class" experiences after finishing my last real class last semester. But yesterday was the last class of the class I am teaching. Usually, I feel very bittersweet about the last times for things. For every last lecture of classes that I've taken, I get a pang of sadness, even when the class has been pretty boring. I've always been very sentimental and have disliked changes in my routine and the ends of things.

But this time, there is not really a bittersweet feeling. I don't really feel sad that the class is ending. It's not that I've disliked my students. In fact, I've found them to be wonderful and it's been great to watch them grow this semester. I've even learned quite a bit this semester. It's just that teaching takes so much time, and working across the river, I feel like I haven't had much time to really devote to research. Classes aren't really my priority anymore and that's ok.

Tonight, I'm giving my last section. I suppose that this should also be a bittersweet occasion, but I really just want to get it over with. Cell signalling is interesting, but ultimately, not my cup of tea. Here are pictures from today: the river and a group of people being festive. Random.

Blogmas Day 2: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

I knew Christmas season was starting when coffee shops started putting out their holiday cups and serving holiday drinks (current favorite from Starbucks: Gingerbread Latte...yum) and storefronts started displaying snowflakes and mannequins in thick scarves and festive hats. Cambridge does this thing where they string up nets across the lampposts and make patterns of lights in them to make the whole street sparkle.

But today, as I stepped off the T in Harvard Square, I noticed my first nighttime lit Christmas tree. And though it was only a marginally chilly 37 degrees out, it suddenly felt a lot more like winter and Christmas here.