All The Trays

 On Friday, I had my last dinner I may ever have as a member of a dorm. We had to buy the graduate student dining hall meal plan, and I was really struggling to use up my meals at the end since I had been doing all this traveling during the semester. And there were several blizzards. And that whole Boston manhunt thing.

I have to say, I was never too enthused by the food in the dining halls. Though convenient and sometimes tasty, it was never that great. Plus, they had this system where we're forced to use trays, for disposal purposes, and after being totally converted to non-tray use during undergrad, it was hard to switch back. I  would automatically go for the food then have to backtrack to get a tray. Annoying.

As I slowly got used to using trays again (though I suspect I will always have some sort of aversion to them....darn you eco-consciousness), they began to be the highlight of my meal. Because sometimes, people would leave messages on their corners. Here's a compilation of all the ones I have found. I suspect they were not the only ones....

An unfinished specimen:

Also, this:

Research

I go to trivia every week. This week, we won! The team efforts were superb (we came up, after much internal debate, with both Shaun White and Whitney Houston), and it was the best round of trivia I had ever been to.

One does not have to study for trivia. It's kind of the thing that you pick up while watching stupid TV (Millionaire Matchmaker?!) or retained from APUSH (Aaron Burr vs. Alexander Hamilton). And if you're lucky, the questions fall in your favor and you win!

However, early next month, some of my friends want to do a "Geeks Who Drink" trivia featuring the HBO hit Game of Thrones. Now, even though everybody and their mother watches Game of Thrones, I had never gotten that into it, mostly because it's the kind of show where people make frustratingly stupid decisions that affect things like who rules the (Seven) Kingdom(s). And UGH if everything could not have been solved if Ned Stark wasn't so blindly loyal. Anyway, because up until last week, I had never watched an episode, I decided to do some research on the matter, because, as far as I can tell, Geeks Who Drink trivia is intense. And...TV research is frustrating. I can usually retain much more information about TV than I can reading papers (in much finer detail), but when I'm actively researching a TV show, I can't do it. If I like a show, I'll gravitate towards it and marathon and remember everything. But, like I said somewhere in the last couple of posts, you can't be into everything. And GoT is not....my jam. I'm too angry at too many people for it to work convincingly for me. Even though I appreciate the artistry, I'm all about people's stories and people here make too many bad decisions for me to respect them. That's kinda how I felt during Downton Abbey when my favorite character, Mr. Bates, became just....frustrating. BATES. WHY YOU GOTTA DO THAT.

I'm currently about 3/4 of the way through season 1. Will I watch the rest? Probably. Blegh. Peer pressure.

Lasts and Firsts

Last Thursday, I had my last class of my first year of graduate school. It's taken me a couple of days, a brewery tasting tour, a Game of Thrones marathon, and a movie watching extravaganza to celebrate. Or perhaps, the right phrase is "come to terms with this fact," the fact that I'm no longer a student in the lecture and final exams sense. And it was...anticlimactic. I think I was already so checked out after turning in my final proposals that I was ready to be done, and mentally I already was done. One of my classes was already done and I just had a presentation left in the other. And afterwards, I did as I do on Thursday nights and went to trivia and it felt normal. No big sense of relief, no jumping for joy. Just...normal.

Of course the weekend was much more exciting in that I had no schoolwork to do, so I definitely felt freer. But in big scheme of things I wonder if I have stopped being a "student." This thought scares me a little, but at the same time, it makes sense. For me, I am so inundated with facts and information that my brain filters the best it can. I can't be interested in every lecture that comes my way, and whereas a few years ago, I would have resisted and tried to force myself to pay attention to anything anyone in any kind of authority would say, I have now accepted the fact that if you want me to listen to you, you'd better have something really good to say or say it in a way that gets my attention. I have accepted that there are things I don't care about. These things may be very important to some people, and I am glad that they are important to these people, but they don't have to be important to me. And I know that now. And that's ok.

There's not really a conclusion to this post. Perhaps more of a beginning. It's the first Monday to work. Should be an interesting ride.

Five Years On

Last weekend, I was in DC for the National Science Bowl competition. I went back for the first time last year as a volunteer and relived a little bit of excitement and a little bit of bitterness that I experienced when I competed. I'll be the first to admit that I can hold a grudge forever and last year, the anger at the mishandling of science during my year of competing came back full force. Maybe it's because I recognized how much better things had gotten since 2008 and I still had the "what if" question in my mind. What if things had been different?

Actually, it probably wouldn't have changed my life too much, and it's not like I'm not pleased with the current trajectory of my life. But I still can't talk about that day without wanting to hit something.

However, this year, five years after I graduated from high school, all that drama in 2008 doesn't seem to matter so much. I think it's because I already gone back once before and met people who I consider more as friends than as competition. However much I loved competing, being on the other side of the competition, on a team of awesome alumni who don't take anything too seriously, is an amazingly inclusive feeling. In high school, I had never felt more included than when I was in Science Bowl, which I think was why I felt so much pressure to do well, to not let my team down. But the alumni at Nationals are so ready to accept newbies with open arms and it's so easy to bond with them that for me, the 4H Center no longer holds painful memories of losing the last 9 pm match, but of late-night sprawling on the floor of the lobby, of complaining about the terrible food while eating all the softserve possible, and of hugs and funny faces and obnoxious behavior during practice rounds.

Also, the knowledge that it's been five years since high school, which makes me too old to really have known anyone who is in high school now, gives me pause. It's hard for me to imagine being relevant to these high schoolers (and even more so, to the middle schoolers) and I know when I was in high school, I didn't really care about anyone else who was there. To them, I'm just another judge that they have to appease. I mean, do I really have so little going on with my life that I've gone back to judge a science competition?

I've tried, as most of my peers do, to separate myself from Science Bowl, to move on with my life. Yet  somehow, despite the seed of bitterness and regret, I found myself back there. What does that mean? I'm not sure yet. But I think I'll keep going back. After all, it's nice to see the kids squirm.

Thoughts About the Boston Marathon

This shit is scary. I wasn't there, running or standing at the finish line, but my heart hasn't stopped pounding for over two hours. My fingers are tingling, my head is spinning, and my stomach, though happy with the delicious salad that I just ate, nevertheless has felt a little sick since I heard the news. As far as I know, no one I know has been directly affected by the blast (thank goodness), and every message I get that someone else is ok really should make me feel better, but in reality, I'm on edge like I've never been before. I want to laugh and hug someone and tell them that everything will be alright, but right now, I'm not alright.

I. am. not. alright.

Today was supposed to be a good day. I got my ID (finally) and a fancy new lab notebook, and have an experimental plan and don't have too much homework and everything was supposed to be fine. And relative to some people, I expect I have had a good day. But maybe this hit a little too close to home for me. Literally.

I don't know if I want to be alone tonight, or if I should be with people. My dinner with DL and NS was nice because it took my mind off things for a little bit at least, but later, will I be able to sleep? I take that route to school every day.

The streets were eerily quiet as I walked home today. Was it just me? I don't usually go home so early, so maybe that's what it's like at 5:00 pm....nope. The cars that are usually making it home around this time are gone. The bustling pedestrians, gone. Among the smattering of people I do see, there are only silent footsteps and rustling wind.

Just some thoughts. Now, just to breathe.

Updates: Bits and Bobs

It's been...a rough semester. Not so much rough, as in "I hate life and want to drop out of grad school" rough, but more like the "I'm so busy when will I have to breathe" rough. In fact, it's been really awesome, and I've had a ton of adventures, and I've worked really hard, and as a result, my body completely broke down this past weekend and I have been quite laid up in bed with what can only be described as a chest cold. My throat has decided it's going through puberty and I sound like an adolescent boy, my lungs are all phlegmy, and my body is just exhausted. But through a strict diet of soup, ice cream, and rom coms, I have pushed past this weekend and in a few days, I'm sure I'll be in tip top shape again. Let's take a breeze through the past couple of months and see what I've been up to.

January:
- CB Bootcamp. *snore* Some cool moments, like seeing E again, but mostly...>.>

-CB Bootcamp Happy Hour. Much better.

- Lab holiday party: Fish, gift exchange, and a new shark best friend.

- SF's housewarming party. That was a hoot and a half. Definitely some memories from that night, including the massive game of Cards Against Humanity and decorating the place with post-it notes.

- Brunching at Craigie on Main. DELICIOUS.

- Winter Luau. Shorts under snow pants is the way to go.

- Grafton Street Rum and Food pairing night. Also delicious.

During this month also existed the coldest week of winter. It was so cold! The river froze over!

Oh also, I got new glasses.


February:

- Dumpling Day! Success.

- Chinese New Year in NJ with family, friends, and Captain America. Success.

-Heard James Watson talk about Oxidants, Anti-Oxidants, and Incurable Cancers. Kinda a hot mess.

- Recruiting weekend. Major success.

- Milken Alumni Event in NY. Also, success.

Also, I learned to, you know, clone genes, grow bacteria, and get protein, and...stuff. Also, there was the giant blizzard that buried everything and almost made it so that I couldn't get back to Boston from NJ. Bad blizzard! Bad!

March:

- Ended my rotation.

- Started a new one.

- Celebrated my spring break/anniversary (3 years!!) in San Francisco, doing amazing things and having an amazing time. My favorite picture of the bunch was our post-Challenge Nation picture. We got 57th/215 and it was an amazing journey of running and leaping and exhaustion and afterwards, we sat in a food court and watched Downton Abbey until our phones ran out of batteries and then saw Foodies: the Musical. What a great day with my best friend.

There really are so many more memories from March and this trip but I'll keep them for another time

Also, EASTER!

April:

- Pulled pretty much my first working all-nighter ever. Napped for an hour from 7 AM - 8 AM and then went to class. ALL THE RAGE TO THE MATLAB.

- ChemBio retreat. Interesting...could be longer....

- Started the process for finding an apartment to settle down in! 

And that brings us to....now. There's been a lot of work involved and a lot of fun and I'm getting ready to recharge for the day. So....here's to the cool things that are happening in just a couple of weeks and....I'll leave you with this delicious specimen:

The Thing About Getting Things

I received notification earlier this morning that I got a fellowship I had pretty much given up hope on. I had applied last year, didn't get it (justifiably...my proposal was a little thin...), applied this year even though I had funding, mostly because of peer pressure and the fact that everyone applies for these things. I know the sequester doesn't really apply here because this fellowship budget is small compared to the overall budget of its parent institution, but it's definitely hard enough to get as it is, and with money problems, I was a little antsy that I might not get anything even if I did make the cut.

The biggest reason that I had given up on it, however, is because I genuinely felt like I wasn't good enough. I've had some pretty powerful people on my side vouching for me, but time and time again, when I look around me and see and hear people with more extensive backgrounds saying words I don't even know how to spell, I feel lost. And dumb. And incredibly lucky to have gotten where I am today. A lot of people have told me that it wasn't luck that brought me to where I am, that my hard work and perseverance have gotten me through, but I've always had a hard time believing it. I know, I know. What are the chances that a person consistently gets into good universities and gets scholarships and stuff like that without hard work? I don't deny that I have worked hard. There have been long hours and long days and long nights. And I have been really proud of some of the work I have put out. But sometimes, when it seems that people can knock out two or three proposals in a day and I have to spend two or three days reading papers just to try to write the background of one proposal, it feels like I've somehow tricked everyone else into thinking that I'm a more awesome person than I am.

 When I woke up this morning, however, and saw the email, my first thought was: YES I AM A HAPPY PERSON TODAY! My second thought was: I finally am sure that I belong here. For me, it's less about the money (though it's wonderful and I'm grateful for it) than about the satisfaction that some stranger, who had never seen or talked to me, can understand my science and be excited about it. I know I have had great support from my family and friends and all those others who have been biased in my favor by my winning smile, and that I really shouldn't seek external validation from a panel whose job it is to sort through some 13,000 applications, but it's nice to know that the idea for a proposal I drafted when I was still a noob scrambling to get my thesis together wasn't just hogwash. And that my ideas in general, while sometimes simple, straightforward  and relatively uncreative compared to some of the amazing science going on today, is still....better than ok.

More than that, as I read over my proposal again this morning, I realized how far I had come since November. It's really only been a few months, but I have many more ideas now, for many more possibilities  and I'm excited to pitch them, reformulate, and pitch again. And I'm excited! And want to hug someone! And want to go dancing!

But...alas. I have another proposal to write. >.> So it never ends.