I received notification earlier this morning that I got a fellowship I had pretty much given up hope on. I had applied last year, didn't get it (justifiably...my proposal was a little thin...), applied this year even though I had funding, mostly because of peer pressure and the fact that everyone applies for these things. I know the sequester doesn't really apply here because this fellowship budget is small compared to the overall budget of its parent institution, but it's definitely hard enough to get as it is, and with money problems, I was a little antsy that I might not get anything even if I did make the cut.
The biggest reason that I had given up on it, however, is because I genuinely felt like I wasn't good enough. I've had some pretty powerful people on my side vouching for me, but time and time again, when I look around me and see and hear people with more extensive backgrounds saying words I don't even know how to spell, I feel lost. And dumb. And incredibly lucky to have gotten where I am today. A lot of people have told me that it wasn't luck that brought me to where I am, that my hard work and perseverance have gotten me through, but I've always had a hard time believing it. I know, I know. What are the chances that a person consistently gets into good universities and gets scholarships and stuff like that without hard work? I don't deny that I have worked hard. There have been long hours and long days and long nights. And I have been really proud of some of the work I have put out. But sometimes, when it seems that people can knock out two or three proposals in a day and I have to spend two or three days reading papers just to try to write the background of one proposal, it feels like I've somehow tricked everyone else into thinking that I'm a more awesome person than I am.
When I woke up this morning, however, and saw the email, my first thought was: YES I AM A HAPPY PERSON TODAY! My second thought was: I finally am sure that I belong here. For me, it's less about the money (though it's wonderful and I'm grateful for it) than about the satisfaction that some stranger, who had never seen or talked to me, can understand my science and be excited about it. I know I have had great support from my family and friends and all those others who have been biased in my favor by my winning smile, and that I really shouldn't seek external validation from a panel whose job it is to sort through some 13,000 applications, but it's nice to know that the idea for a proposal I drafted when I was still a noob scrambling to get my thesis together wasn't just hogwash. And that my ideas in general, while sometimes simple, straightforward and relatively uncreative compared to some of the amazing science going on today, is still....better than ok.
More than that, as I read over my proposal again this morning, I realized how far I had come since November. It's really only been a few months, but I have many more ideas now, for many more possibilities and I'm excited to pitch them, reformulate, and pitch again. And I'm excited! And want to hug someone! And want to go dancing!
But...alas. I have another proposal to write. >.> So it never ends.
The biggest reason that I had given up on it, however, is because I genuinely felt like I wasn't good enough. I've had some pretty powerful people on my side vouching for me, but time and time again, when I look around me and see and hear people with more extensive backgrounds saying words I don't even know how to spell, I feel lost. And dumb. And incredibly lucky to have gotten where I am today. A lot of people have told me that it wasn't luck that brought me to where I am, that my hard work and perseverance have gotten me through, but I've always had a hard time believing it. I know, I know. What are the chances that a person consistently gets into good universities and gets scholarships and stuff like that without hard work? I don't deny that I have worked hard. There have been long hours and long days and long nights. And I have been really proud of some of the work I have put out. But sometimes, when it seems that people can knock out two or three proposals in a day and I have to spend two or three days reading papers just to try to write the background of one proposal, it feels like I've somehow tricked everyone else into thinking that I'm a more awesome person than I am.
When I woke up this morning, however, and saw the email, my first thought was: YES I AM A HAPPY PERSON TODAY! My second thought was: I finally am sure that I belong here. For me, it's less about the money (though it's wonderful and I'm grateful for it) than about the satisfaction that some stranger, who had never seen or talked to me, can understand my science and be excited about it. I know I have had great support from my family and friends and all those others who have been biased in my favor by my winning smile, and that I really shouldn't seek external validation from a panel whose job it is to sort through some 13,000 applications, but it's nice to know that the idea for a proposal I drafted when I was still a noob scrambling to get my thesis together wasn't just hogwash. And that my ideas in general, while sometimes simple, straightforward and relatively uncreative compared to some of the amazing science going on today, is still....better than ok.
More than that, as I read over my proposal again this morning, I realized how far I had come since November. It's really only been a few months, but I have many more ideas now, for many more possibilities and I'm excited to pitch them, reformulate, and pitch again. And I'm excited! And want to hug someone! And want to go dancing!
But...alas. I have another proposal to write. >.> So it never ends.
