A Goodbye

When I was younger, I spent an uncalculatable number of hours in Waldenbooks while waiting for my mom to finish shopping in the mall. Because I hadn't yet become a library rat (I was only in elementary school), I read most of the new releases to my favorite series (Magic Treehouse, for instance), in Waldenbooks, and it was always a treat to go there. We never bought any books, as I wasn't really a go back and read over and over kind of girl, and so I always looked forward to going to the mall, if only because I could go to the bookstore.

As I grew older and I began spending more time in the library, on homework and such, I visited bookstores less, mostly because there were so many books I could read in the library (it took me about 3 years to exhaust myself in the public library during middle and high school, and even then, it was because I had more work to do than I wanted). I also became increasingly paranoid that they would find me reading in the bookstore and kick me out (bending pages! crinkling corners! you know that's right. what.). Of course, all my SAT needs were met in the bookstore, since the library was woefully inadequate in that department, and so, Borders became my go-to bookstore. There was one in Westwood, where mom worked and I could easily spend a day reading, studying, and sneaking a coffee.

Slowly by slowly, however, the Borders around us have begun to go out of business and close, which makes me extremely sad. Even more sadly, I got an email about a week ago saying that Borders was closing for good. And this, compounded with the fact that I pretty much just found out that Borders owned Waldenbooks, cuts pretty deep in my heart because that's where I spent so much of my childhood. I was a nerd first. I loved tetherball and racing, and I played hard, but I loved a good book more than anything. It just makes me a little sad. More than a little.

RIP Borders. May your fate not be that of bookstores everywhere. The end of an era shouldn't come so soon.

Mid-Year Reflection

It's July 3. That's 2 days after the mid-year point so I figure I'd look back at my New Year's Resolutions and consider a bit.

On Jan 1, I said that this year, 2011, I would:

1. Take better care of my hair/body.[I think I have done this. I lost some weight during spring with all the dancing I did and I'm much more toned now. I also moisturize regularly, even during the summer when all I want to do is lie on the hardwood floor and stop sweating.]

2. Find a lab and stick to it. [Check]

3. Find something financially stable to do during the spring and summer. [Check. Working in Lab, Oh Yeah.]

4. Raise my GPA. [Halfway there...]

5. Experiment with food. [Have you seen this yet? Have you?]

6. Laugh more; laugh louder. [We'll see what happens when the new semester rolls around, but this one has been one of the best that I've had. Plus, I found Community, which means that I am laughing a lot more. :D]

7. Love more freely. [Check :)]

8. Forgive more easily. [Jury's out on this one. I'm not sure that there has been much for me to forgive this year, yet. Although, I'm sure this is going to be something I work on for most of my life since, I have a problem with people who wrong myself and people I love.]

9. Be less messy. [WORKING ON THIS. SIGH. :/]

10. Stop losing halves of pairs. [I found some halves of pairs. Does this count?]

11. Live. [So far, so good.]




Currently listening to: Come on Get Higher, Matt Nathanson

One of those days

It's been one of those days.

A day where every piece of glassware that touches your hands either breaks or gets knocked over.

A day where your product either doesn't seem to want to be UV or KMnO4 active, so you really can't see via TLC whether it's there (i.e. time to use more stains but I hate doing TLC's because I'm not all spot happy yet).

A day where every other TLC plate falls in the solvent.

A day where there are a bajillion people lined up to use the NMR.

A day where too much sand comes out when you tip the jar.

A day where solvent just doesn't want to stay in its container. Any solvent. And all of them.

A day where you splash water everywhere when washing dishes.

A day where you forget to put your products (one of which probably isn't a product) on High-Vac, wash your hands, and then realize as you're about to pack up that you have to do that.

Sigh.

A day where I just want to give up, go home, snuggle in bed with the fluffy blankets, and play Castaway 2.

Luckily, Vicki brought cupcakes. :]

Day 2

Project status: unknown.

Today's endeavors: fail.

Tomorrow: Rally and try a harsher way to cleave a peptide that's not actually a peptide.

Later: eat free food. NOM.

First Daily Vlog?!?

Kelsey and I are starting a daily vlog blog. Yes.

This Side of Orange

For once, I feel...

...different.

For my past 20 birthdays, I have felt the same as I did the year before, a year older, yet, not really. Even in Greece, the first birthday I've had apart from my family ever, it was underwhelming to turn 20. That may have been because I was in Greece, and really, everything was underwhelming compared to that.

This year, maybe it's the amount of shopping I have done for myself, the number of pairs of shoes I have bought, the amount of makeup I have accumulated, the number of things I have purchased for other people, the amount of money I have saved and spent over the past year that makes me feel like I've grown up a little...a lot even. It seems silly, writing it down, because so many of these things are material things, and isn't change supposed to come from within? Aren't I supposed to feel different because inside, I've become more in tune with myself as a person, not because I've bought a lot of stuff?

Yet, maybe it's because I do have all this stuff that I feel like something has shifted. For as long as I can remember, I have felt that nothing I had was ever really mine. That seems silly because who else is going to wear my pointe shoes or care about the condition of my stuffed animals? What else is plastic wrap supposed to be used for other than wrapping stuff up? For whose benefit is it if the chocolate is never eaten? But I liked things to stay the same. *SENTIMENTALIST ALERT* I wanted things to be new. If I ate the pretty chocolate, or took the doll out of the box, it would be ruined. I wouldn't have it anymore.

It's taken me awhile to see that I can't keep holding on to things hoping they won't change, that money is meant for transactions, that chocolate is meant for eating, that people are meant to evolve. Maybe that's why I feel different, because I have let go.

Of course, it's not just those material things. I spent a lot of time with my mom and we are closer than ever. I am more open now, with all of my friends. I am in a happy and healthy relationship. I have been evolving. It's just taken me some time to get my legs and crawl out of the ocean. And (being as it that I can't really swim) I really like it on land.

By the way, I would totally be this lizard.

Freehand

obscure things this will just be a stream of consciousness thing about thing that what was I even thinking about again? vampire zombie blue nail polish! my mind works in mysterious ways but so does everyone's mind and it's so breezy here. I like this dress. I was a cuddly baby. This is going to be smashingly awkward. Can't I just have a day to curl up and watch Doctor Who? I used to think it could be abbreviated Dr. Who, but that's silly because he's the Doctor, not a doctor. And OH MY GOODNESS. And every time I sit down to watch it, I just get interrupted anyhow. I need to trim this odd bit off my nail. I just wrote hair when I meant to write nail, which was weird because I like my hair now, especially now that I have a straightener that I am learning how to use. Fun fun fun fun oh look the weekend has already passed. Only a couple more days until I go back? go to? school and I still can't decide which is more real, my time here or my time there. And maybe they're both real. Got to go bye.

Things That Shouldn't Be Things

THIS

 

Returning again

I got my wisdom tooth out two days ago. The fact that it's there is supposed to signify that I had become wise at some point in my nearly 21 years of existence, right?

I went back to high school yesterday. Every time I go back, I feel a little more removed from that part of my life. A little more jaded, maybe? Maybe Bowling for Soup was right. Maybe high school doesn't end, because on the outside, exist the same dramas and the same politicking and the same cool people who get everything they want while the rest of us are left scrambling for any indication that in 10 years time, the people we once knew will remember that one awesome thing that happened and forget all the bad hat days and all the mess-ups and fake-outs and bad decisions. But every time I go back, I realize that, like it or not, I have changed. I'm still neurotic and sentimental. I like getting A's on my homework and I don't like giving up when I know I can do better. I still use who and whom correctly when I'm speaking, and I'm still afraid of needles and dentists.

But occasionally, I put on lipstick now, and a little concealer, and it's really shouldn't be a surprise when I do. I paint my nails, and although I currently have on a rosy pink, I'm really more into extremely dark or bright colors. I wear dresses and belts and necklaces and boots. My jeans fit me correctly, and, holy crap, is that eyeliner? I don't have to pretend to be scandalized by people smoking pot outside my entryway, or by people who are way to young to be downing straight shots of tequila on a school night, or by people who wear dark lipstick and leather jackets. Because I'm not.

I don't care about who dates whom (or who sleeps with whom for that matter), unless you hurt one of my friends, in which case, I will punch you in the face. I don't care whether you're waiting until marriage or have 20 notches on your bedpost (just make sure I'm not the one moving into your room next year). It doesn't really matter to me what sordid details your personal life holds (like that time you caught chlamydia whilst skinny dipping...yeah...save that story for your next squeeze). And it really shouldn't matter to you what has or hasn't happened in my distant past.

[Sidebar: If you're getting married, or having babies, or got promoted, or have an altogether awesome story about that one time you climbed Everest, or need me to talk through anything/punch anyone/put you to bed with a bottle of water and an aspirin, I'm always here for a chat. Or, you know, to call a cab for your sorry bum.]

Maybe I can never quite outgrow that place, because make no mistake. I've had wonderful times there with wonderful people. But ultimately, I have moved on. I've made several decisions that make me very happy at the moment, and I have no regrets about the things I've done in high school. Just don't drudge back all the crap that I did back then, and we'll be perfectly fine.

Hearts and snuggles!
Angela

Angela...

...saw the Candyman do six left-legged backflips and one front-flip in a row on Saturday.

...met a Shaolin abbot on Sunday.

...got her hair cut and is now "stylish".

...is getting her wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. AHHHHH!!!!

Things Angela Likes

1) Making this semester's GPA her b!tch.

2) Manhole covers that look like this:

I guess that makes me a nerd.

Membranes

I love hanging out in book stores. It brings me back to when I was a kid and I could just sit in bookstores and read whatever the heck I wanted and everything new was on the shelves and the whole world was at my disposal. Book stores like Barnes and Noble always have the huge windows that let all the light in so everything seems brighter and sunnier. That's one of the great things about living in California, I guess, because right now, everything is 70 degrees and sunny and, sitting on my couch looking out onto the tree tops, it's quite beautiful. I also get inspired in book stores, and, maybe it's because I don't have much to worry about in terms of running into people I know, but I tend to hang around and read insignificant and quite crappy books and I get inspired. I always want to write a novel when I'm in there because I always feel like I can write at least as well as some of the stuff that's in the teen section, or the romance section, or the fantasy section (murderous pixies? really?). And I never have enough paper or patience to finish everything. By the time I get home, the need to write has dissipated and when I look at my notes, I think to myself, "What was I thinking? This is just as crappy as anything that's out there." Oh well.

This morning, I peeled an egg and ate it for breakfast. For a long time, I didn't know eggs had membranes. Well, I knew unconsciously, but since I saw this, I didn't really know.



After that, every time I've peeled a hard-boiled egg, I have noticed the membrane, and usually, I am in too much of a rush to deal with it, so I just peel an egg like people do and nom it down. But these days have been quite lazy, so I decided to peel it while leaving the membrane on.

See? It's squishy like a hardboiled egg!

And then I peeled the membrane off...

And ate it. Nom. 

This is what the end of an era feels like

So this is what the end of an era feels like. I expected it to be different, sadder maybe, rather than a hectic rushing off into the New Haven fog. Maybe the hugs weren't long enough. Maybe there weren't enough tears. Maybe we're all so self absorbed that it doesn't matter anymore. Sure, it's true that we're not as close as we have been for the past couple of years. We've found others who maybe understand us more, or better, somehow. It doesn't mean the end is not bittersweet.

The end to me right now, as I sit in my summer apartment listening to Kelsey cook lunch and street workers banging away at the pavement, is tiring. My bones ache. My head is alert at the moment, but the second I get the chance, I know I'm going to fall fast asleep. Probably on the shuttle to the airport. Probably.

The ending, as I look around at all our crap scattered around the apartment, is a new beginning. It's mattresses perched on a loft. It's expensive leather couches I'm afraid of sitting on for fear of scratching them. It's the smell of soba and soy sauce. It's the open bottle of ketchup that's on the table. It's Kelsey, cooking and tasting things. It's me, weary and aching and ready to go home but not ready to leave yet.

It's the end of an era. I think I'm ready to go.

phosphate of calcium

"What reconciles me to my own death more than anything else is the image of a place: a place where your bones and mine are buried, thrown, uncovered together. They are strewn there pell-mell. One of your ribs leans against my skull. A metacarpal of my left hand lies inside your pelvis. (Against my broken ribs your breast like a flower.) The hundred bones of our feet are scattered like gravel. It is strange that this image of our proximity, concerning as it does mere phosphate of calcium, should bestow a sense of peace. Yet it does. With you I can imagine a place where to be phosphate of calcium is enough."

- Complicite, A Disappearing Number






I have never been more affected by a play, I don't think, in my life of reading plays, marveling at the language, feeling, as I do toward real people, frustration, sympathy, and inspiration. I certainly have never been so emotionally drained after reading a play. I'm not tired, but I feel a sense of finality. Not all the loose ends have been tied up, but I just....

I had tears in my eyes at those last words. It's not a thing I like to think about, death. But to me, that love story, the one we caught so briefly in A Disappearing Number was more potent than many I have seen today. Scientists know that science is elegant, poetic, and beautiful, but it's hard to express that fact. I think, for true love to be spoken in the words of science speaks to that love, love of science, love of humanity, love of partner.

Duck Season

A lot of my Spring Break has been spent cleaning out my old things, deciding what to put in storage, what to donate, and what to save. It has left me nostalgic and not a little sad that I'm growing up literally before my eyes. I have recently found a little...rant(?) that I wrote in high school between the lines of a draft of an excused absence note. It seems oddly, and not oddly, appropriate here.



"Duck Season!"
"Rabbit Season!"
"Duck Season!"
"Rabbit Season!"
"Rabbit Season!"
"Duck Season!"

We all know what happens now. Dear old Bugs will produce a rifle and blow the ever envious Daffy to ashes. Daffy will rise to perpetuate his one-sided rivalry, and again, and again, he will lose. We laugh because it is so predictable, because although our sputtering friend lies in ashes, he will no doubt get up and try again. Bug's craft ingenuity will thwart Daffy's petty jealousy every time. Charlie Brown will never kick the football. The Power Rangers will always win...eventually. These were the norms when we grew up. We would always solve Blue's Clues. Ernie would always splish splash with his rubber ducky. The good guys will always win.

But we grow up. In a world dominated by politics, mind games, and alliances, I find myself wishing more for order, for the days when pushing someone on the playground meant you would trip on a rock and fall down yourself. Human nature is to be duplicitous, I know. People are self-serving; they are closet sycophants. But how I wish I could forget for a little while, and regress (or progress?) to the innocent candy coated world of a three-year-old who willingly gets up early to watch Willey Coyote waste his infinite wealth on backfiring Acme products.

In this world, the one in which I am trapped, Bugs Bunny lives in the future and is green. The Power Rangers wear capes. Stress causes even the strongest people to break down, to give up. Earthquakes, floods, droughts, and famine wreak havoc on the lives of those who are just trying to live. Thus, people seek escape through artificial highs that do just that: clear their minds so that they are as lucid as three-year-olds. I don't blame them. The world is randomly unfair. Cookie Monster no longer eats cookies. There is no black and white. Spontaneity is a beautiful thing, but what I wouldn't give right now to go back to the place I used love, when I was young. What I wouldn't give to regain the hope that the bad guys will always lose, even if the good guys do not always win. What I wouldn't give for it to be Duck Season.

New Year's Resolutions and Other Stuff I Must do in 2011

1. Take better care of my hair/body.

2. Find a lab and stick to it.

3. Find something financially stable to do during the spring and summer.

4. Raise my GPA.

5. Experiment with food.

6. Laugh more; laugh louder.

7. Love more freely.

8. Forgive more easily.

9. Be less messy.

10. Stop losing halves of pairs.

11. Live.